In the editorial report my editor sent me, one of her comments was this:
Inelegant variation and absolute phrases are no longer overwhelming the writing—where did the overwriting go?
I bolded the last part because I wanted to show an example of my own overwriting.
In working on DGtS I’ve been going back into Kinsmen Die to make sure I’m getting my continuity right — events, description, etc. As I do that I’m having to re-read my own writing…which is sometimes a little cringe-inducing.
Here’s an example of the old:
…as if they were caught amid a school of silvery fish. Below them, a river of frozen stars coursed outward, flowing like molten rock and singing with the voice of an avalanche.Kinsmen Die, Matt Bishop
The river stretched like a sea monster’s tentacle back into the Hvergelmir, which lay spread below them like an open-petaled flower. At this remove, the cauldron’s voice was the merest susurration, but the way it swirled and spun like fast-moving storm clouds entranced his eye just as it always had. It had thrown eleven giant arms out across the face of the Ginnungagap. The roaring cauldron was fed from above by a never-ending cascade of white fire and from below by red roiling fire.
And here’s the new. I wrote it without first going back to see what how I’d originally described the Ginnungagap.
He stared down into a familiar place—the Ginnungagap. Red roiling fire blasted into the Gap from below; flowing ice plummeted from above. And where the two torrents met, the Roaring Cauldron churned, stretching out eleven mighty arms across the Gap. And still the Gap was unfilled.Dark Grows the Sun, forthcoming, Matt Bishop
So I’m not saying the newer version is good per se, but I do think it’s better than what I wrote 2+ years ago.
And that’s some of the fun of writing — looking back and seeing the progress.