Here’s another short example of a first-round edit to a chapter hook — the bad before and mediocre after.
Here’s the before (128 words)
Frigg watched sparks fly from the hooves of the two goats—Toothgrinder and Toothgnasher—who hauled the cart through the sky. The skies rumbled like a rickety bridge beneath the wheels of Thor’s cart. At first, he was a speck in the sky no bigger than a distant bird. By the time she’d climbed down to the ground, Thor was overhead.
He circled the hilltop once, twice, leaning out over the rail as he peered down, and then guided the cart down to a bumpy landing. He stepped from the car, freed the goats from the traces so they could wander, and then in a booming voice said, “Why was the Gjallarhorn sounded? I see no army at the gates nor any trace of an enemy within miles.”Matt Bishop, Dark Grows the Sun
What’s wrong with the above?
Nothing grabs you because:
- Frigg is “watching” — inherently passive and boring.
- The scene is about Frigg but the attention is on Thor.
- Thor gets all the action, such as it is.
And here’s the after (107 words)
Frigg climbed down from Heimdall’s tower to greet the arriving Thor. The skies rumbled beneath the wheels of Thor’s cart as he circled above the hilltop, one hand raised in greeting. A pair of goats pulled his cart—Toothgrinder and Toothgnasher. Their shod hooves hammered sparks from the air.
Somber, Frigg raised her hand in reply. Thor wouldn’t know why he’d been summoned. He’d flown faster than the news had spread.
The hilltop boomed first beneath the cart as it landed and then again beneath Thor’s voice. “Why was the Gjallarhorn sounded? I see no army at the gates nor any trace of an enemy within miles.”Matt Bishop, Dark Grows the Sun
What’s better about it?
- Frigg is more active; she’s doing something
- We’re more in her head — she’s somber, there’s an inkling as to why Thor is arriving…which the reader knows but Thor clearly doesn’t.
- It’s a little shorter
What’s wrong with the revision?
- The second sentence is clunkier than Thor’s cart.
- It’s still more about Thor than it is about Frigg.
- I’ve basically just reorganized the existing text. The transitions from ‘graph to ‘graph feel stilted.
- I think I’m cramming too much into that first paragraph. The bit about the goats needs to go, maybe. Frigg knows their names, so that’s an infodump that could either wait till later or just never be provided. It’s not relevant to the scene.
- It’s still boring.
I suspect I’ll end up ditching the last two sentences of the first paragraph and/or rewriting the entire hook. Either way, I’ll let ye olde subconscious work on it for a bit.